I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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