3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
