1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm experimenting with sincerity