Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.