my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN