You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
the liver wants what the liver wants
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
The only downside is I can't stop skipping