im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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