i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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