My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
