naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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