Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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