Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize