When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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