party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
