Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
