I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
