i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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