Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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