so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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