god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
