Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
