so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
