Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Randomize
