It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
