I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
the day after is always just damage control
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
