The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize