i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My ass is underappreciated
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
