ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
