I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
