I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
