so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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