Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
