i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
