When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Are my feet made of real feet?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
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And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
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Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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