It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
