He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
cat food counts as protein by the way
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
