someone owes me an orgasm
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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