I like my sex mixed with concussions.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Randomize
