Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
