I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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