Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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