Apparently you make a good broom.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
