Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
bring money and cleavage
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Randomize
