Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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