yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
