there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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