forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
