A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
ttyl tear gas
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
