I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
