Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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