LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire