she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
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Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
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I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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