Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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