You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
