Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
