ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
