I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
