why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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