I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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